\nAs we progress through to 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.<\/p>\n
\tI can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.<\/p>\n
\tI can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.<\/p>\n
\tI have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.<\/p>\n
\tEating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.<\/p>\n
\tI can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.<\/p>\n
\tI MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.<\/p>\n
\tALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.<\/p>\n
\tI can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.<\/p>\n
\tI can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.<\/p>\n
\tI can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.<\/p>\n
\tTHANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.<\/p>\n
\tBECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.<\/p>\n
\tI no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.<\/p>\n
\tI no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.<\/p>\n
\tAND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.<\/p>\n
\tI no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.<\/p>\n
\tI no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.<\/p>\n
\tAnd I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .<\/p>\n
\tTHANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.<\/p>\n
\tAND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.<\/p>\n
\tI can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.<\/p>\n
\tA German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.<\/p>\n
\tDon’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.<\/p>\n
\tP.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.<\/p>\n
\tNOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY<\/p>\n
No replies were posted for this topic.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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