I. Thou shall understand that your presence doesn’t make me happy. And know this: I’ve got a PI doing a background check on you at this moment.

II. Thou had better have a life. I have worked my butt off providing a good life for my daughter; therefore, you better have one, Spanky.

III. Thou shall not touch my daughter. If you do, I’ll smash your hands and your mommy will have to help you get your Justin Bieber haircut.

IV. Thou shall look me in the eye and shake my hand like a man. And turn off your damn cell phone.

V. Thou shall understand that you are a boy talking to a man. Do not gush around me or attempt to read me an entry from your journal. I’m not Oprah. I am a Neanderthal.

VI. Thou shall know that our family is old school. Do not even think about approaching me with liberal, hippie, agnostic, atheistic, anti-American or tree-humping bull crap.

VII. Thou shall know that I like cool and expensive gifts. You’d be shrewd to approach me like the three wise men did Baby Jesus, namely with gold, frankincense and myrrh.

VIII. Thou shall understand that if you’re dumb enough to tell me a dirty joke, I’m comfortable enough with kicking your ass.

IX. Thou shall keep your word. If you say you’re going to do something, then I expect you to do it.

X. Thou shall memorize commandments I – IX. Yep, your best bet, home slice, is to both memorize and practice these commandments because I am Dad Almighty!

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