• Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That’s grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

• Finnegin: ​"​My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it.​"​

Keenan: ​"​What on earth is she doin’ at that time?​"​

Finnegin: ​"Waitin’ for me to come home.​"​

• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.

• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

• Question – Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer – So the English can understand them.

• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I’d prefer that you use the dressing room."

• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantel piece?" "No," said himself, "but I’m getting closer all the time."

• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

• "O’Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife’s appearance?" "It did surely," replied O’Ryan, "but it keeps fallin’ off!"

• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin’ to have a baby!" "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked. "No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin’."

• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

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