I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

-Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.

-Mel Brooks

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you’re Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish.

-Lenny Bruce

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

-Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

-Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother.

-Peter Malkin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.

-Benjamin Disraeli

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

-Sam Levenson

Don’t be humble; you are not that great.

-Golda Meir

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

-Joe E. Lewis

A spoken contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

-Sam Goldwyn

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

-Woody Allen

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

-Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.

-Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.

-George Burns

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

-Milton Berle

I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.

-Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

-Ernie Kovacs

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